[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or