The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?