How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
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You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Hot Hot Hot
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.