UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
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“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
good let them take over I have had enough
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂