“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.