“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
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Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”