Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
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I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
Acronyms got me like WTF?
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
They’re stuck in your pants?
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.