WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
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I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
That’s easy for you to say
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.