To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
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[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
How your email finds me
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.