It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.