it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
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Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
the best thing i’ve ever made
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing