[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
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Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I need to get some bricks…
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.