I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.