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[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.