Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
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*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Dolls on drugs
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.