Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
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Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1