[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
You Might Also Like
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.