Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
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Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one