We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha