“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
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I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
had to make it
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.