Can’t. Being lazy.
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CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
I needed a laugh this morning.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.