If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
You Might Also Like
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.