GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
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[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
This is Sparta
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”