If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
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My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”