Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
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This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
translated into Canadian
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence