[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
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I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.