A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.