[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
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HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
This one’s “Alex”.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
any last words?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.