[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
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The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.