*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL