*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
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GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I hate when that happens.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
This 4th of July, please remember…
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Feels like the fourth month in January
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.