I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
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Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup