Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
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Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
School be like
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas