{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
You Might Also Like
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
twitter users today:
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute