Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
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Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Sell your car
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.