My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
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If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Last-minute gift idea!
taking June’s advice to heart
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Thrilling chase underway
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.