Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
You Might Also Like
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I can’t deal with men any longer
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Rich people don’t understand cereal
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday