If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
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Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
blocked.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.