Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
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TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.