When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
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Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
We are the people our parents warned us about.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?