I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
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I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*