The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
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Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Don’t tell me what to do
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.