You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
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No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.