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“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.