I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
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[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Woke up against my better judgement again
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like