Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
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My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
Great Canadian literature.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest