I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
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Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
the icebreaker
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.