[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
asked my bf how work was today
The 6 types of sex
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”