I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
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I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.