Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
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Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB